Showing posts with label reflecting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflecting. Show all posts
Saturday, February 4, 2012
MISSING
Lately I have felt as though there is something missing in my life. I really can't tell you what it is because I have no clue. There seems to be this empty or lost feeling I have had and I am not too sure why. I know that I have definitely been missing my husband. This new job has had him on the road a lot these past few weeks and it has been rough on me. I'm used to having the exact same work schedule and sleeping at the same times and always being able to eat dinner together, etc. I don't want to take away from his joy with this new job by complaining, but it most definitely is going to take some time getting used to. I'm trying to be patient and understanding! I promise!! I am starting to get "baby fever" and maybe that is what I feel I am missing. So many of my friends are having babies and starting families. I definitely want children and Jon and I have talked about the idea, but I think we are both nervous about it. It's scary to think that one day we could be in charge of another person's life for at least 18 years! We are in the right place...we have been together for 6 years, married for nearly a year, own a home, both work and make decent money...but is that enough...doesn't it take more than that? Is my urge to want to have a child just to fill a void? I really don't know! Am I feeling empty or lost because I have not put forth a lot of effort these days to really develop my relationship with God? I have prayed about this a lot, but is there more I am supposed to be doing? I wish I had the answers. I wish someone had the answers. I know that with time answers will come, but I am a planner, I want to know what lies ahead. I need to know what to expect. What is missing?
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Happy Birthday E!
Happy Birthday to the sweetest baby I have ever known...
Thank you for teaching me so much about life in your short lifetime! I can't believe that today you would have been 2 years old! Happy Birthday E! I look forward to the day we meet again!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Reflecting
No one understands death. Why do we have to lose our loved ones? Why would God want to take away our babies that still have so much life ahead of them? Why did that person have to die when they were such a good person and were doing such wonderful things on Earth? Death only brings many questions that will go unanswered. We will never fully understand why God decides to take those close to us at the time in which he chooses. We are told in Ecclesiastes 9:12 that "Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come. As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so people are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them." One answer that we do have is "That everyone who believes in him may have eternal life." (John 3:15) It brings comfort knowing that our loved ones are sitting with our Lord, and that if we live our life right our time too will come in which we will meet our loved ones again and too, will sit with our Lord.
During my lifetime I have had several loved ones pass away. When I was younger it was more difficult to fully understand death. It was just an understood thing that I wouldn't see Mammaw or Pappaw here on Earth anymore, and that I would once again see them when I went to heaven. When I was a teenager I knew quite a few people that died, and at that point in my life there had to always be a reason for everything. So it was easier to cope with the death of those by "blaming" it on things such as drugs, alcohol, or reckless driving. Now that I am older, and I have a deeper relationship with God, I know that God decides when it is our time. I take comfort in knowing that I will again meet my loved ones in heaven.
One of the hardest deaths I've dealt with, and still find myself struggling with, is that of one of my patients. I knew going in to nursing I would have patients that would perish. And before this particular patient, I had others that had gone to be with the Lord. Working in pediatrics makes things a little more difficult, because you feel as though these children have so much life ahead of them and so much potential to be great and do great things on this Earth. "E" was a patient that I became very close to, and started to love as though he was my own. I do not have children of my own, so I technically do not know what it feels like to love your own child, but this is what I would imagine it will feel like. I took care of "E" for over 6 months of his short life. I loved all his sweet smiles and my heart would ache when he wasn't feeling well enough to show off his beautiful smile. When he passed away a little over a year ago, I went through all of the defined stages of grief. When I first heard of his death I was in denial. Even when I saw him and helped to give him his last bath, I was still in denial. I felt as though it was a dream that I could not wake from. My denial then turned in to anger. Fortunately I never felt anger towards God, but more towards the doctors responsible for his care. I went back to my teenage years in which I wanted to blame someone for his death, and the doctors were the easiest people to blame. The anger then turned in to bargaining. God I promise to love all of my patients as though they were "E" if you will just take this pain away. God I will do whatever it is that you want if you will just take this loss away. The bargaining then turned in to depression. I felt as though a piece of my heart was missing. I felt like there was a huge scar that caused my heart to never again be the same. I didn't want to necessarily take care of infants at work and especially not in his room because it only flooded my mind with his sweet smile. After lots of praying, my depression turned in to acceptance. Although "E" is no longer here on Earth with us, the impact he made on Earth in his short life is phenomenal. I am so very thankful to have had the opportunity to take care of him. I am so thankful to have met his parents and to have developed a lifetime friendship with them. "E" changed a lot of things in my life for the better and for that I am so very thankful!
A week ago a dear friend passed away suddenly in a car accident. She was the sweetest, most genuine, innocent, and beautiful person I have met. She always had a big smile on her face and an encouraging word to say. Of course when I heard of her death I didn't understand how this could happen. I thought of the way things could have been different for this terrible outcome not to have happened. I also realized that when God decides when our time is over, there is no chance in changing that outcome. I know that because of my sweet friend's great personality and loving spirit she has touched so many people in her lifetime and that there will be people that will be forever changed for the better because of her death.
The father of a close friend of my husband's just passed away. I can only imagine the pain that the family is experiencing at this time. I pray that he and his family will find comfort in knowing that their loved one is no longer suffering and that one day again they will see him.
All I know to do is to pray for those who have lost a loved one. There is definitely power in prayer. I can attest to that. I always have faith that God knows what he is doing and just how to do it. Although it may never be understood by us, we must all have faith.
During my lifetime I have had several loved ones pass away. When I was younger it was more difficult to fully understand death. It was just an understood thing that I wouldn't see Mammaw or Pappaw here on Earth anymore, and that I would once again see them when I went to heaven. When I was a teenager I knew quite a few people that died, and at that point in my life there had to always be a reason for everything. So it was easier to cope with the death of those by "blaming" it on things such as drugs, alcohol, or reckless driving. Now that I am older, and I have a deeper relationship with God, I know that God decides when it is our time. I take comfort in knowing that I will again meet my loved ones in heaven.
One of the hardest deaths I've dealt with, and still find myself struggling with, is that of one of my patients. I knew going in to nursing I would have patients that would perish. And before this particular patient, I had others that had gone to be with the Lord. Working in pediatrics makes things a little more difficult, because you feel as though these children have so much life ahead of them and so much potential to be great and do great things on this Earth. "E" was a patient that I became very close to, and started to love as though he was my own. I do not have children of my own, so I technically do not know what it feels like to love your own child, but this is what I would imagine it will feel like. I took care of "E" for over 6 months of his short life. I loved all his sweet smiles and my heart would ache when he wasn't feeling well enough to show off his beautiful smile. When he passed away a little over a year ago, I went through all of the defined stages of grief. When I first heard of his death I was in denial. Even when I saw him and helped to give him his last bath, I was still in denial. I felt as though it was a dream that I could not wake from. My denial then turned in to anger. Fortunately I never felt anger towards God, but more towards the doctors responsible for his care. I went back to my teenage years in which I wanted to blame someone for his death, and the doctors were the easiest people to blame. The anger then turned in to bargaining. God I promise to love all of my patients as though they were "E" if you will just take this pain away. God I will do whatever it is that you want if you will just take this loss away. The bargaining then turned in to depression. I felt as though a piece of my heart was missing. I felt like there was a huge scar that caused my heart to never again be the same. I didn't want to necessarily take care of infants at work and especially not in his room because it only flooded my mind with his sweet smile. After lots of praying, my depression turned in to acceptance. Although "E" is no longer here on Earth with us, the impact he made on Earth in his short life is phenomenal. I am so very thankful to have had the opportunity to take care of him. I am so thankful to have met his parents and to have developed a lifetime friendship with them. "E" changed a lot of things in my life for the better and for that I am so very thankful!
A week ago a dear friend passed away suddenly in a car accident. She was the sweetest, most genuine, innocent, and beautiful person I have met. She always had a big smile on her face and an encouraging word to say. Of course when I heard of her death I didn't understand how this could happen. I thought of the way things could have been different for this terrible outcome not to have happened. I also realized that when God decides when our time is over, there is no chance in changing that outcome. I know that because of my sweet friend's great personality and loving spirit she has touched so many people in her lifetime and that there will be people that will be forever changed for the better because of her death.
The father of a close friend of my husband's just passed away. I can only imagine the pain that the family is experiencing at this time. I pray that he and his family will find comfort in knowing that their loved one is no longer suffering and that one day again they will see him.
All I know to do is to pray for those who have lost a loved one. There is definitely power in prayer. I can attest to that. I always have faith that God knows what he is doing and just how to do it. Although it may never be understood by us, we must all have faith.
You and I will meet again
When we're least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won't say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again
~Tom Petty
When we're least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won't say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again
~Tom Petty
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